Battlesuck Craptastica
Dec. 8th, 2003 09:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
willow_redThink the topic gives away too much of what I thought of this flaming piece of garbage the Sci-Fi Channel has foisted upon its viewers?
What does this mini-series have in common with the original? Not bloody much. They stole the names, turned them into callsigns, and have almost zilch in common with the original characters. Apollo is still Adama's son, but that's about it. I was worried about Starbuck having been turned into a woman -- this was probably the least wrong thing they did.
Commander Adama - Hi, instead of being a wise military leader and a member of the Council of the Twelve, I'm a washed-up warmonger who forced my sons into the military and tore my family apart. Did I mention I'm a technophobe? Mostly, I think Edward James Olmos was in it for the money.
Colonel Tigh - I went from being a cool first officer (a pretty impressive role given the white-dominated sci-fi series by this point in the late 70s ["Fuck Lando Calrissian!"]) to being a lame old white guy who makes lousy decisions and gets people killed.
Zack - Well, instead of my 15 minutes of fame, I died two years ago. My dad hated me, and I think I might have had a relationship with Starbuck.
Apollo - I used to represent virtue. Now, I hate my father and am generally bitter toward all. I suck. Will I at least get to be a decent father to Boxey?
Boxey - I have the same haircut as back in 1978, tee hee!
Muffit - ???
Starbuck - I used to represent vice. Now, I'm a woman attempting to be a male fighter-jockey stereotype. I represent women's rights by punching my commanding officer and being thrown in the brig. Did I mention all the Starbuck/Apollo shippers I made cry?
Boomer - I was friends with Starbuck and Apollo. Now, I'm a barely-competent Asian woman who has no justification for this nickname. I have no character to speak of.
President What'sHerFace - I'm a schoolteacher with breast cancer. I replaced twelve old white men. Go me!
Athena - I was a useful member of the bridge crew. What do you mean Adama only had sons in this one?
Cassiopeia - What do you mean I'm a Cylon named "Six"? Is that supposed to be a bad pun? My character may not have been that great, but a girl has to have at least minimal standards.
Baltar - I used to be a megalomaniacal Judas-type character. Now, I'm an evil bishounen who doesn't even have the balls to be evil. Ah, but I get a lot more sex this time!
Six - I'm blonde! That means men will want to have sex with me! How dare you say that! I'm nothing like Seven of Nine! She's a Seven, I'm a Six, completely different! Did I mention I kill babies?
Ships - When plastic models from 1978 where you can see the string holding them up look better than CG models in 2003, something is very wrong.
Caprica - o/~ There's a huge mushroom cloud drifting upward... o/~
Gratuitous Sex - Four times in the first 30 minutes. Note that the porn version requires only different editing.
Gratuitous Violence - The annihilation of twelve colonies and the near extinction of humanity is not enough. We need a closeup of that horribly burned dead guy!
Cylons - Human creations? Feh! We were proud of our reptilian heritage. Now we're some ripoff of Terminator, or possibly the Matrix (think "Second Renaissance" from Animatrix), but at least we aren't dumb enough to use humans as a power source. They're only good for sex!
That said, I will watch tomorrow night to see the horror continued, and I am taping it for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
illyanarasputin, but after that, the tapes are up for grabs. Unless by tomorrow night I have sufficient motivation to burn them.
Ronald D. Moore, for the love of all that is good and holy, please retire! I'm sure you have money somehow. Did no one read the script, like, ever?
Bryan Singer, why did you not go through with doing Battlestar Galactica? I saw what you did with X-Men, and it was a beautiful thing.
Richard Hatch, you campaigned for a new Battlestar Galactica for years. I'm sorry this is what you got stuck with.
What does this mini-series have in common with the original? Not bloody much. They stole the names, turned them into callsigns, and have almost zilch in common with the original characters. Apollo is still Adama's son, but that's about it. I was worried about Starbuck having been turned into a woman -- this was probably the least wrong thing they did.
Commander Adama - Hi, instead of being a wise military leader and a member of the Council of the Twelve, I'm a washed-up warmonger who forced my sons into the military and tore my family apart. Did I mention I'm a technophobe? Mostly, I think Edward James Olmos was in it for the money.
Colonel Tigh - I went from being a cool first officer (a pretty impressive role given the white-dominated sci-fi series by this point in the late 70s ["Fuck Lando Calrissian!"]) to being a lame old white guy who makes lousy decisions and gets people killed.
Zack - Well, instead of my 15 minutes of fame, I died two years ago. My dad hated me, and I think I might have had a relationship with Starbuck.
Apollo - I used to represent virtue. Now, I hate my father and am generally bitter toward all. I suck. Will I at least get to be a decent father to Boxey?
Boxey - I have the same haircut as back in 1978, tee hee!
Muffit - ???
Starbuck - I used to represent vice. Now, I'm a woman attempting to be a male fighter-jockey stereotype. I represent women's rights by punching my commanding officer and being thrown in the brig. Did I mention all the Starbuck/Apollo shippers I made cry?
Boomer - I was friends with Starbuck and Apollo. Now, I'm a barely-competent Asian woman who has no justification for this nickname. I have no character to speak of.
President What'sHerFace - I'm a schoolteacher with breast cancer. I replaced twelve old white men. Go me!
Athena - I was a useful member of the bridge crew. What do you mean Adama only had sons in this one?
Cassiopeia - What do you mean I'm a Cylon named "Six"? Is that supposed to be a bad pun? My character may not have been that great, but a girl has to have at least minimal standards.
Baltar - I used to be a megalomaniacal Judas-type character. Now, I'm an evil bishounen who doesn't even have the balls to be evil. Ah, but I get a lot more sex this time!
Six - I'm blonde! That means men will want to have sex with me! How dare you say that! I'm nothing like Seven of Nine! She's a Seven, I'm a Six, completely different! Did I mention I kill babies?
Ships - When plastic models from 1978 where you can see the string holding them up look better than CG models in 2003, something is very wrong.
Caprica - o/~ There's a huge mushroom cloud drifting upward... o/~
Gratuitous Sex - Four times in the first 30 minutes. Note that the porn version requires only different editing.
Gratuitous Violence - The annihilation of twelve colonies and the near extinction of humanity is not enough. We need a closeup of that horribly burned dead guy!
Cylons - Human creations? Feh! We were proud of our reptilian heritage. Now we're some ripoff of Terminator, or possibly the Matrix (think "Second Renaissance" from Animatrix), but at least we aren't dumb enough to use humans as a power source. They're only good for sex!
That said, I will watch tomorrow night to see the horror continued, and I am taping it for
illyanarasputin, but after that, the tapes are up for grabs. Unless by tomorrow night I have sufficient motivation to burn them.Ronald D. Moore, for the love of all that is good and holy, please retire! I'm sure you have money somehow. Did no one read the script, like, ever?
Bryan Singer, why did you not go through with doing Battlestar Galactica? I saw what you did with X-Men, and it was a beautiful thing.
Richard Hatch, you campaigned for a new Battlestar Galactica for years. I'm sorry this is what you got stuck with.
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no subject
Date: 2003-12-08 10:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-09 01:23 am (UTC)I'm sorry to laugh at your pain, but really, this is the funniest thing I've seen in ages...heheee...
no subject
Date: 2003-12-09 05:57 am (UTC)*takes a bow*
no subject
Date: 2003-12-09 06:05 am (UTC)Tune in for tonight's installment (which might be watched tomorrow depending on how my plans turn out).
wow
Date: 2003-12-12 09:19 pm (UTC)well done.
did you burn the tapes?
kevin