Star Trek: Abridged

[willow_red]

I don't have a TOS icon, so you have to put up with my amusing TNG one instead. Do not read this unless you've seen the movie.


Giant Spiky Ship: I'm like the Death Star if it was a sea urchin. Oh yeah, and I carry more weapons than all of Starfleet.

Starship: Ouch, we can't take another hit like that!

Romulan: Tell us the location of Ambassador Spock.

Captain: *Blink* Who?

Romulan: Drat. Well, come aboard our ship anyway; we want to do stuff to you.

Captain: Hmm, I guess I'd better go. Kirk, you're captain now.

Kirk: Me? Oh wow, and my wife's about to give birth to our first child. This could be my best day ever!

Captain: Um, sure. *Goes to Romulan ship, dies*

Kirk: Crap. Shoot them!

Spikeship: Your weapons have no effect on me.

Kirk: All hands, abandon ship!

Mrs. Kirk: *has contractions*

All Hands: *run to escape shuttles*

Kirk: Okay, now time to join my wife and get the hell out of here.

Autopilot: *fails*

Kirk: Must be courageous and sacrifice myself. Plus, opportunity for emotional scene!

Mrs. Kirk: Why's the shuttle moving? Where's my husband? Why does the future not have Lamaze?

Kirk: Why does the future not have ultrasounds to determine the sex of the baby? Also, my dad had a stupid name. *dies*

James T. Kirk: *is born* Waahhhh! (Translation: why is this not Iowa?)

James T. Kirk: I'm such a brat! I steal centuries-old cars and listen to centuries-old music. The Beastie Boys are still rebellious even after they've been dead for 200 years.

Spock: You have no idea how much the Vulcan school system sucks.

Vulcan Bullies: We can't stand that you're more logical than we are. Therefore, we'll insult your father. Doesn't work? Okay, yo' mama so skanky...

Spock: *goes apeshit*

Sarek: I wish I was half the actor Mark Lenard was. Ahem, Spock, you have a diverse heritage. Therefore, you must pick one and despise the other. Also, I never loved your mother.

Amanda: I'm played by Winona Ryder? But I'm unrecognizable! Anyway, I'll always love you, Spock, even if you reject everything I am and half of what you are.

Vulcan Science Academy: We haven't heard of the IDIC philosophy, so we'll just make racist comments.

Spock: Screw you guys, I'm joining Starfleet!

Kirk: I'm so drunk. Ooh, hot chick!

Uhura: Leave me alone. I only date my professors.

Kirk: But I got so much tail in an alternate reality, why not here?

Uhura: I'm way smarter than you.

Starfleet Security guys: *beat the crap out of Kirk*

Kirk: I got to grope Uhura. Totally worth it.

Captain Pike: I had a man-crush on your father. Even wrote a dissertation on him. Why don't you try living in his shadow?

Kirk: *drinks and bleeds*

Trekkies: Wait, how much time just passed?

Kirk: Dad's shadow it is. Sign me up!

McCoy: Hmm, I'm too young to be a crotchety old man, and today's audiences wouldn't know what a country doctor is, so I'll just be a paranoid hypochondriac.

Kirk: I like this guy. He's the only other one not wearing a uniform.

Uhura: *rolls eyes*

McCoy: Why would you retake a test you're supposed to fail?

Kirk: I totally got the cheat codes.

Trekkies: No really, how much time just passed?

Token Green Chick: I love you.

Kirk: Damn, I just wanted sex.

Token Green Chick: My roommate's home, hide!

Uhura: Time to follow the underwear-only policy while at home.

Kirk: Yes!

Uhura: I'm going to say something about the plot, but no one will notice because I'm in my undies.

Professors: This Kirk guy is annoying. Plus, he's getting apple bits all over the fake bridge.

Kirk: Call me captain!

Uhura: If I roll my eyes any harder, they might break.

Kirk: Wait for it...

Kobayashi-Maru: *breaks*

Spock: Kirk hacks!

Kirk: Spock sucks.

Starfleet Academy Administration: Busted! Suspended! Barred from participating in the plot!

Kirk: Wanna bet?

Starfleet Academy: OMG, Vulcan's being attacked, and all we have are cadets and a bunch of empty starships.

Cadets: W00t!

Uhura: Spock, I want to be on the Enterprise.

Spock: But I don't want anyone to know we're sleeping together.

Uhura: People will be more suspicious if you don't put me on the same ship as you.

Spock: *pretends that's logical* Um, okay.

Kirk: *pouts*

McCoy: I can't stand it when you pout. Come on, I'll inject you with weird stuff and put you in terrible pain. You'll thank me, honest!

Kirk: I what? Ow, stop that!

McCoy: Hmm, I thought I was more competent in an alternate reality. I'm sure one of these hyposprays will make it better.

Kirk: Must...advance...plot...despite...McCoy's...incompetence...

Sulu: Japanese, Korean, like any American audience can tell the difference! But you'll thank me for leaving the parking brake on later!

Pike: Can we go yet?

Sulu: Okay, here we go.

Chekov: I make announcements so the captain doesn't have to. And so you can be amused by my accent.

Kirk: WTF?!? I gotta get to the bridge and stop this thing!

Pike: What's he doing here?

Spock: What's he doing here?

Kirk: It's a trap!

Uhura: *Sigh* He's right, it is.

Pike: Well, that sucks. Lock and load.

Trekkies: It's Wolf 359 all over again!

Spikeship: *drills* Oh look, another puny Starfleet vessel.

Nero: Meh, destroy them...wait, it's the Enterprise!

Nero: Sup, guys? Hey Spock, watch me!

Spock: Who are you?

Nero: Hey Chris, why don't you come over to my place? We can watch drifting debris together.

Pike: Nobody calls me by my first name. Who here wants to fight? Kirk, Sulu, Ensign Redshirt, let's go.

Kirk: I always wanted to spacedive!

Sulu: I like to fence.

Ensign Redshirt: ...

Pike: Have fun, guys. I'm off to be tortured!

Kirk, Sulu, and Ensign Redshirt: *aerodynamics fail*

Ensign Redshirt: *dies*

Kirk: My ribcage is made of steel.

Sulu: In the future, swords become even more awesome.

Romulans: *fight, die*

Sulu: Ensign Redshirt had all the explosives. What'll we do?

Kirk: Shoot stuff till it blows up.

Nero: So they destroyed the drill, no big.

Red Bouncy Ball: My turn!

Kirk & Sulu: *falling* Um, the transporter would be awesome right about now.

Transporter tech: Can't you guys hold still a minute?

Chekov: Here I come to save the day!

Kirk & Sulu: Geez, took you long enough. Where are you going, Spock?

Spock: I gotta save Mom & Dad!

Vulcan: *crumbles*

Vulcan Elders: Run for it!

Transporter tech: I'm so slow at this.

Amanda: *falls*

Spock: ... (translation: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)

Sarek: ...

Vulcan: *pop*

Spock: I'm the captain, and my planet just died.

Uhura: Would sex make you feel better? I'll do the kinky stuff...

Spock: Let's all be professional about this...but I will make out with you.

Trekkies: *blink* Whoa.

Kirk: They're headed for Earth? This sucks, let's get revenge!

Spock: Kirk, you suck. Get off my ship. *boots*

Kirk: Why am I on Hoth? Oh hey, here comes a taun taun!

Not a Taun Taun: Ooh, lunch!

Giant Dino/Insect Thingy: Not a Taun Taun is tasty. Ooh, human for dessert!

Kirk: *runs, falls*

Giant Dino/Insect Thingy: *chases, falls*

Old Spock: *rescues* Hey Jim, how goes?

Kirk: Who are you?

Old Spock: I'd recognize that swagger anywhere.

Kirk: ...

Old Spock: Let's mind meld so I can tell the audience the backstory.

Trekkies: That...almost makes sense.

Kirk: Whoa.

Old Spock: You need to get back on the Enterprise...and don't tell anyone about me.

Scotty: o/~ Wasting away again in Margaritaville... your turn, little critter!

Critter: ...

Old Spock: You guys can totally beam out of here.

Scotty: I'll try anything once!

Kirk: How do I get command?

Old Spock: Piss me off. I know you can do it.

Kirk: I majored in pissing people off! At least I think I did. I might have only been at the Academy for a week. It's pretty hazy.

Kirk & Scotty: *beam out*

Kirk: That worked awesome!

Scotty: Glug, glug.

Kirk: Oh shit oh shit oh shit...

Spock: WTF?!?

Scotty: Can I have a towel?

Kirk: I'm back to advance the plot.

Spock: ...

Kirk: I bet I can piss you off by talking about your mom.

Spock: *strangles*

Sarek: Spock, stop it. There's new carpet on the bridge and you'll make a mess.

Spock: True. Guess I can't be captain anymore.

Kirk: Sweet! It's good to be the captain.

Spock: *angst*

Sarek: I lied before. I did love your mother.

Spock: Vengeance isn't logical.

Sarek: Well, maybe just this once.

Kirk: Gotta keep driving that plot forward!

Spock: Okay, Kirk, let's get that bastard!

Kirk: Now you're talking!

Sulu: See, I really do have mad pilot skillz.

Spikeship: *drills through the Golden Gate bridge*

Scotty: Nobody should see you beam aboard.

Romulans: *see Kirk and Spock beam aboard, attack*

Kirk: Yea, more fighting!

Spock: Mind melds are so much more effective than interrogation.

Romulans: *die*

Spock: This is a pretty cool ship. And hey, it even knows me.

Kirk: See? Joyrides are fun!

Spock: Is there something you're not telling me?

Kirk: ...

Spock: If I die, tell Uhura...

Kirk: I don't want to hear the rest of that, so I'll stop you now with overconfident reassurance.

Spock: ...

Nero: Ooh, I get to fight Captain Kirk. How cool is that?

Kirk: My name is James T. Kirk. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Nero: Eh, not yet.

Kirk: Captain Pike, I'm here to rescue you.

Pike: Really? How long has it been? Time passes strangely when you have bugs in your brainstem.

Spock: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!

Red Bouncy Ball: I get to destroy stuff again!

Scotty: See, this is how you run a transporter.

Nero: Curses, foiled again!

Kirk: I'll offer you help only when I know you won't take it, and pretend that's diplomacy.

Nero: $%#@ you and the horse you rode in on!

Kirk: I was hoping you'd say that.

Spikeship: *pop*

Chekov: Uh, guys, we're getting sucked into a black hole now.

Physics: *flies out the nearest window*

Scotty: Well, there's one thing that might work, but if it doesn't, we're dead.

Kirk: What do we have to lose?

Earth: Saved, once again!

Starfleet Academy: Captain Kirk, you have no regard for regulations or the chain of command, but you did save the planet for the first of likely many times, so we're giving you the Enterprise.

Admiral Pike: Check out my new wheels!

Spock: Dad?

Old Spock: Nope, you.

Spock: WTF?!?

Old Spock: I'll do the responsible thing. You go hang out with Kirk.

Spock: So that's how he knew so much. Why didn't you just come tell me?

Old Spock: Because I had to remind fans what the origin of the term "slash" was.

Spock: ...

Old Spock: And dude, I hear you're getting with Uhura. Maybe this alternate reality isn't so bad after all.

Spock: Can I be first officer again?

Kirk: Sure, as long as I get this chair.

Leonard Nimoy: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life forms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before!

Leonard Nimoy: Damn, I've waited forty years to say that.


I know that was long, but I hope you enjoyed it! There are some scenes left out, but I've only seen the movie once.

Comments

[shadowpryde.livejournal.com]

OMFG!

I got halfway through this, stopped, and went back to the top and read it out loud to xylass ... he was literally falling off the couch with laughter!

Thanks for sharing!

-DL-

[(Anonymous)]

Hahahaha! That's spot on.

I actually went in with decent expectations of the movie b/c of all the favorable reviews. I'd give it a B-. The good points about the movie, to me, were the performances by the actors (which was a bit surprising, but very welcome). I, especially, enjoyed Quinto and Urban. I thought they did an excellent job portraying Spock and McCoy. Aside from the fact that Quinto, in the proper costume and makeup, actually looks like a young Nimoy/Spock, I thought he did a great job of delivering the lines and pulling Spock off. Same with Urban who genuinely sounded like DeForest Kelley 40 some odd years ago and the way he did this thing with a single eye that McCoy could be seen to do, repeatedly, throughout the series (it's hard to explain, but DeForest Kelley used to do this thing with one of his eyes where it'd widen or twitch or do something and Urban managed to duplicate it). Pine, Cho, and Saldana were ok and, while they weren't atrocious, I think I liked Chekov and Scotty the least. Yelchin's primary function did seem to deliver lines in his accent while Pegg felt a little too goofy.

I thought the script was good enough though there was a line or two (or more) that I thought were unnecessary or gratuitous, but I'm sure people would be hard pressed to find a movie that doesn't have lines that could have been cut out; it's a bit nitpicky on my part. I thought the story neatly explained why things had changed so drastically and I found it believable.

Of course, with the good comes the bad and here's a list of things that I didn't care for to things I detested. The young Kirk driving the car blasting Beastie Boys? Then running it off of a cliff? I'd rather jam those intergalactic ear wigs up my rectum than see that again. What a wholly useless scene. Yeah, we get that Kirk is the stereotypical angry youth and a rebel w/o a starship. You show us that in the barroom scene. Cut the kid and the car scene out and the audience loses *nothing* except the desire to non-autoerotically asphyxiate ourselves. And, apparently, in the grim future of this new, essentially socialist Federation, there is only... Nokia. Having survived the Cellphone Company Wars of 2098, Nokia found themselves to be standing atop a mountain of cellphone skulls.

May god have mercy on our forsaken souls if we are still drinking Bud in the 23rd century. That would make *me* fly into a Nero-esque rage that would compel me to shave my head, get face tattoos and command me some loyal half-Nips to go back to the past and destroy the brewery and the family. We would truly be badass. None of this, 'disgruntled miner' thing that Nero turned out to be. Vulcan is destroyed and the whole of this timeline is turned upside down b/c of this dude?? And... you know what you do when you realize that you can time travel? You go *back* to the point where shit hit the fan and fix it before it does! Go back to an earlier time and save Romulus! Go back and stop Nero from pwning Vulcan! Anything! Except kamikazeing said ship.

Btw, Spock Prime, feel free to walk the 15 kilometers or whatever to the Federation outpost to... you know... WARN THE FEDERATION OR VULCAN THAT THEY ARE FACING IMMINENT DOOM instead of holing up in some cave and watching it get destroyed.

All in all, the movie turned out to be a bit better than I'd hoped and I really enjoyed the 'new' characters, but the most telling part of what we thought of the movie probably came from the fact that, after we left the movie theater to go to a friend's place to hang out and play some games, the movie never came up in conversation again.

Btw, willow_red, I do believe Nimoy/Spock does give the 'Final Frontier' monologue at the end of Wrath of Khan.


-J

[j-b.livejournal.com]

(applauds)

One thing that *did* get on my nerves was that Ben Cross' Sarek really didn't have much of the icy-cold impartial expressions that Lenard and Nimoy brought to their Vulcans ... his attempts at emotionless looked more like a stuffy Brit looking indignant or apoplectic.

[(Anonymous)]

After I posted my pros and cons of Star Trek, I found this article which is uncanny in its similar criticisms/praise of the film. Creepy, really.

http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/248869/8_problems_i_have_with_jj_abrams_star_trek.html

Something that this article did remind me of, too. Insta-promotion of Kirk from an ungraduated cadet to captain of one of their newest, cutting edge starships. Lolwut? Spock, even in this continuity, is considered one of Starfleet's best and brightest and, yet, he's "only" a Commander when Kirk shows up at the Academy and is *still* a Commander after the events of the movie. I don't know how long it took Spock to reach Commander, but he was probably in the Academy for a few years. Another few more years to make Commander? Kirk just went from a cadet yet to receive his commission to skipping, in Naval terms, Ensign, Lieutenant Junior Grade, Lieutenant, Lieutenant Commander, Commander to Captain (I'm pretty sure this is the convention Starfleet follows, also).

I don't care what universe you are in, that may be the single, biggest demand of an audience's suspension of disbelief. Reward him with the highest honor Starfleet, the Federation or Earth has to offer. Commission him and promote him a rank or two... max. That part was just ludicrous.

Okie, done, hehe.


-J

Ha ha!

[illyanarasputin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this post, much amusement was had by moi.

Re: At the risk of being insanely pedantic

[(Anonymous)]

It may have been, but yes, you are being pedantic = D.

-J

[(Anonymous)]

And the reason I disagree with Pegg's characterization of Scotty is b/c it's different. He was never a brawler or a trouble maker. He was an engineer at heart (and a lover of Scotch whisky). There was nothing in the original episodes that indicated that he was anything of that sort. As the Enterprise's 3rd in command (after Kirk and Spock), he was a senior officer entrusted with command of the ship when those two were away. In fact, in the only episode I can recall that he gets into a fight that wasn't in self defense was with the Klingons on Deep Space Station K-7. He even warns the younger crew members (specifically Chekov), at first, not to be provoked by the Klingon insults b/c they were bigger than that. It takes several insults and one that's directed at the Enterprise, not about humans or even Kirk, that springs Scotty into action. In the subsequent scene with Kirk interrogating all of his crew members to find out who started the fight, he accuses several members, but it never occurs to him that Scotty was the one to start it. In fact, he mentions, specifically, that Scotty was supposed to be there to make sure there wasn't trouble. And, while he has a sense of humor, it's not goofy like Pegg's portrayal. Of course, I suppose I could blame that on the script writers and not Pegg.

As for Quinto, I thought he did a great job. I'm not sure why classic Trek fans would be so upset at the emotional content of Spock. While I do like my Spock logical and stoic, the fact that he's half human and that he has had his share of internal struggles with coming to terms with his emotions (and his human side) have been an issue since the earliest episodes of TOS. The earliest such moments coming in the episode, "The Naked Time" in which Spock, admittedly under the duress of a virus, admits to lamenting not being able to return Nurse Chapel's affections as well as his inability to express love to his mother. And this was in season one of TOS.

In the episode, "This Side of Paradise", Spock's internalized emotions surface again. In fact, in this very episode, Kirk provokes Spock into anger to achieve his means... *exactly* in the fashion the movie does. When I saw how Kirk provoked Spock in the movie, this is the very episode I thought they might have lifted it from. In any event, Vulcans aren't supposed to be devoid of emotions. Just that they have a vice-like hold on it. Spock's humanity and his occasional, internal struggle with that half and his suppressed feelings are issues that were explored in the original series and, so, I don't know why they would have huge objections about it.

Yes, the insta-promotion of Kirk was rather cheezy. I only go on what made the final cut, since that's what counts as canon, not what the script may have planned for. Even with a Federation in 'emergency' mode, Spock would be ahead in line for promotion (and other senior officers) not Kirk. That was just silly any way you look at it.


-J

[(Anonymous)]

I will quote you on this one...

The insta-promotion of Kirk to command the Enterprise was cheesy

I don't know that the Starfleet's ranks are necessarily modeled after the British Navy. Other than the fact that the British were a huge naval force and have a notable naval tradition, I don't think they had any specific influence. Also, notice that the starships are usually named USS (like in the US Navy) not HMS.

As for Cochrane's example, I think he was actually a lieutenant (and I think your story is off if this is Alexander Cochrane that you're talking about). The example is still a bit off since Starfleet is not the British navy in the 19th century... and Kirk wasn't capturing a hostile ship... And, oh yeah, there's absolutely zero precedence for a non-commissioned cadet skipping ensign, lieutenant junior grade, lieutenant, lieutenant commander, and commander straight to captain in the centuries-long history of Starfleet. No, "There's a first time for everything is not a valid argument."

So, again, I quote you:

The insta-promotion of Kirk to command the Enterprise was cheesy


-J

Vulcans stole ancient earth technology

[(Anonymous)]

Who knew that the Vulcans had access to Rambaldi's Muller device?

Oh JJ, why are you recycling your MacGuffins?

--WW