Star Trek: Abridged
May. 9th, 2009 06:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
willow_redI don't have a TOS icon, so you have to put up with my amusing TNG one instead. Do not read this unless you've seen the movie.
Giant Spiky Ship: I'm like the Death Star if it was a sea urchin. Oh yeah, and I carry more weapons than all of Starfleet.
Starship: Ouch, we can't take another hit like that!
Romulan: Tell us the location of Ambassador Spock.
Captain: *Blink* Who?
Romulan: Drat. Well, come aboard our ship anyway; we want to do stuff to you.
Captain: Hmm, I guess I'd better go. Kirk, you're captain now.
Kirk: Me? Oh wow, and my wife's about to give birth to our first child. This could be my best day ever!
Captain: Um, sure. *Goes to Romulan ship, dies*
Kirk: Crap. Shoot them!
Spikeship: Your weapons have no effect on me.
Kirk: All hands, abandon ship!
Mrs. Kirk: *has contractions*
All Hands: *run to escape shuttles*
Kirk: Okay, now time to join my wife and get the hell out of here.
Autopilot: *fails*
Kirk: Must be courageous and sacrifice myself. Plus, opportunity for emotional scene!
Mrs. Kirk: Why's the shuttle moving? Where's my husband? Why does the future not have Lamaze?
Kirk: Why does the future not have ultrasounds to determine the sex of the baby? Also, my dad had a stupid name. *dies*
James T. Kirk: *is born* Waahhhh! (Translation: why is this not Iowa?)
James T. Kirk: I'm such a brat! I steal centuries-old cars and listen to centuries-old music. The Beastie Boys are still rebellious even after they've been dead for 200 years.
Spock: You have no idea how much the Vulcan school system sucks.
Vulcan Bullies: We can't stand that you're more logical than we are. Therefore, we'll insult your father. Doesn't work? Okay, yo' mama so skanky...
Spock: *goes apeshit*
Sarek: I wish I was half the actor Mark Lenard was. Ahem, Spock, you have a diverse heritage. Therefore, you must pick one and despise the other. Also, I never loved your mother.
Amanda: I'm played by Winona Ryder? But I'm unrecognizable! Anyway, I'll always love you, Spock, even if you reject everything I am and half of what you are.
Vulcan Science Academy: We haven't heard of the IDIC philosophy, so we'll just make racist comments.
Spock: Screw you guys, I'm joining Starfleet!
Kirk: I'm so drunk. Ooh, hot chick!
Uhura: Leave me alone. I only date my professors.
Kirk: But I got so much tail in an alternate reality, why not here?
Uhura: I'm way smarter than you.
Starfleet Security guys: *beat the crap out of Kirk*
Kirk: I got to grope Uhura. Totally worth it.
Captain Pike: I had a man-crush on your father. Even wrote a dissertation on him. Why don't you try living in his shadow?
Kirk: *drinks and bleeds*
Trekkies: Wait, how much time just passed?
Kirk: Dad's shadow it is. Sign me up!
McCoy: Hmm, I'm too young to be a crotchety old man, and today's audiences wouldn't know what a country doctor is, so I'll just be a paranoid hypochondriac.
Kirk: I like this guy. He's the only other one not wearing a uniform.
Uhura: *rolls eyes*
McCoy: Why would you retake a test you're supposed to fail?
Kirk: I totally got the cheat codes.
Trekkies: No really, how much time just passed?
Token Green Chick: I love you.
Kirk: Damn, I just wanted sex.
Token Green Chick: My roommate's home, hide!
Uhura: Time to follow the underwear-only policy while at home.
Kirk: Yes!
Uhura: I'm going to say something about the plot, but no one will notice because I'm in my undies.
Professors: This Kirk guy is annoying. Plus, he's getting apple bits all over the fake bridge.
Kirk: Call me captain!
Uhura: If I roll my eyes any harder, they might break.
Kirk: Wait for it...
Kobayashi-Maru: *breaks*
Spock: Kirk hacks!
Kirk: Spock sucks.
Starfleet Academy Administration: Busted! Suspended! Barred from participating in the plot!
Kirk: Wanna bet?
Starfleet Academy: OMG, Vulcan's being attacked, and all we have are cadets and a bunch of empty starships.
Cadets: W00t!
Uhura: Spock, I want to be on the Enterprise.
Spock: But I don't want anyone to know we're sleeping together.
Uhura: People will be more suspicious if you don't put me on the same ship as you.
Spock: *pretends that's logical* Um, okay.
Kirk: *pouts*
McCoy: I can't stand it when you pout. Come on, I'll inject you with weird stuff and put you in terrible pain. You'll thank me, honest!
Kirk: I what? Ow, stop that!
McCoy: Hmm, I thought I was more competent in an alternate reality. I'm sure one of these hyposprays will make it better.
Kirk: Must...advance...plot...despite...McCoy's...incompetence...
Sulu: Japanese, Korean, like any American audience can tell the difference! But you'll thank me for leaving the parking brake on later!
Pike: Can we go yet?
Sulu: Okay, here we go.
Chekov: I make announcements so the captain doesn't have to. And so you can be amused by my accent.
Kirk: WTF?!? I gotta get to the bridge and stop this thing!
Pike: What's he doing here?
Spock: What's he doing here?
Kirk: It's a trap!
Uhura: *Sigh* He's right, it is.
Pike: Well, that sucks. Lock and load.
Trekkies: It's Wolf 359 all over again!
Spikeship: *drills* Oh look, another puny Starfleet vessel.
Nero: Meh, destroy them...wait, it's the Enterprise!
Nero: Sup, guys? Hey Spock, watch me!
Spock: Who are you?
Nero: Hey Chris, why don't you come over to my place? We can watch drifting debris together.
Pike: Nobody calls me by my first name. Who here wants to fight? Kirk, Sulu, Ensign Redshirt, let's go.
Kirk: I always wanted to spacedive!
Sulu: I like to fence.
Ensign Redshirt: ...
Pike: Have fun, guys. I'm off to be tortured!
Kirk, Sulu, and Ensign Redshirt: *aerodynamics fail*
Ensign Redshirt: *dies*
Kirk: My ribcage is made of steel.
Sulu: In the future, swords become even more awesome.
Romulans: *fight, die*
Sulu: Ensign Redshirt had all the explosives. What'll we do?
Kirk: Shoot stuff till it blows up.
Nero: So they destroyed the drill, no big.
Red Bouncy Ball: My turn!
Kirk & Sulu: *falling* Um, the transporter would be awesome right about now.
Transporter tech: Can't you guys hold still a minute?
Chekov: Here I come to save the day!
Kirk & Sulu: Geez, took you long enough. Where are you going, Spock?
Spock: I gotta save Mom & Dad!
Vulcan: *crumbles*
Vulcan Elders: Run for it!
Transporter tech: I'm so slow at this.
Amanda: *falls*
Spock: ... (translation: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)
Sarek: ...
Vulcan: *pop*
Spock: I'm the captain, and my planet just died.
Uhura: Would sex make you feel better? I'll do the kinky stuff...
Spock: Let's all be professional about this...but I will make out with you.
Trekkies: *blink* Whoa.
Kirk: They're headed for Earth? This sucks, let's get revenge!
Spock: Kirk, you suck. Get off my ship. *boots*
Kirk: Why am I on Hoth? Oh hey, here comes a taun taun!
Not a Taun Taun: Ooh, lunch!
Giant Dino/Insect Thingy: Not a Taun Taun is tasty. Ooh, human for dessert!
Kirk: *runs, falls*
Giant Dino/Insect Thingy: *chases, falls*
Old Spock: *rescues* Hey Jim, how goes?
Kirk: Who are you?
Old Spock: I'd recognize that swagger anywhere.
Kirk: ...
Old Spock: Let's mind meld so I can tell the audience the backstory.
Trekkies: That...almost makes sense.
Kirk: Whoa.
Old Spock: You need to get back on the Enterprise...and don't tell anyone about me.
Scotty: o/~ Wasting away again in Margaritaville... your turn, little critter!
Critter: ...
Old Spock: You guys can totally beam out of here.
Scotty: I'll try anything once!
Kirk: How do I get command?
Old Spock: Piss me off. I know you can do it.
Kirk: I majored in pissing people off! At least I think I did. I might have only been at the Academy for a week. It's pretty hazy.
Kirk & Scotty: *beam out*
Kirk: That worked awesome!
Scotty: Glug, glug.
Kirk: Oh shit oh shit oh shit...
Spock: WTF?!?
Scotty: Can I have a towel?
Kirk: I'm back to advance the plot.
Spock: ...
Kirk: I bet I can piss you off by talking about your mom.
Spock: *strangles*
Sarek: Spock, stop it. There's new carpet on the bridge and you'll make a mess.
Spock: True. Guess I can't be captain anymore.
Kirk: Sweet! It's good to be the captain.
Spock: *angst*
Sarek: I lied before. I did love your mother.
Spock: Vengeance isn't logical.
Sarek: Well, maybe just this once.
Kirk: Gotta keep driving that plot forward!
Spock: Okay, Kirk, let's get that bastard!
Kirk: Now you're talking!
Sulu: See, I really do have mad pilot skillz.
Spikeship: *drills through the Golden Gate bridge*
Scotty: Nobody should see you beam aboard.
Romulans: *see Kirk and Spock beam aboard, attack*
Kirk: Yea, more fighting!
Spock: Mind melds are so much more effective than interrogation.
Romulans: *die*
Spock: This is a pretty cool ship. And hey, it even knows me.
Kirk: See? Joyrides are fun!
Spock: Is there something you're not telling me?
Kirk: ...
Spock: If I die, tell Uhura...
Kirk: I don't want to hear the rest of that, so I'll stop you now with overconfident reassurance.
Spock: ...
Nero: Ooh, I get to fight Captain Kirk. How cool is that?
Kirk: My name is James T. Kirk. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Nero: Eh, not yet.
Kirk: Captain Pike, I'm here to rescue you.
Pike: Really? How long has it been? Time passes strangely when you have bugs in your brainstem.
Spock: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!
Red Bouncy Ball: I get to destroy stuff again!
Scotty: See, this is how you run a transporter.
Nero: Curses, foiled again!
Kirk: I'll offer you help only when I know you won't take it, and pretend that's diplomacy.
Nero: $%#@ you and the horse you rode in on!
Kirk: I was hoping you'd say that.
Spikeship: *pop*
Chekov: Uh, guys, we're getting sucked into a black hole now.
Physics: *flies out the nearest window*
Scotty: Well, there's one thing that might work, but if it doesn't, we're dead.
Kirk: What do we have to lose?
Earth: Saved, once again!
Starfleet Academy: Captain Kirk, you have no regard for regulations or the chain of command, but you did save the planet for the first of likely many times, so we're giving you the Enterprise.
Admiral Pike: Check out my new wheels!
Spock: Dad?
Old Spock: Nope, you.
Spock: WTF?!?
Old Spock: I'll do the responsible thing. You go hang out with Kirk.
Spock: So that's how he knew so much. Why didn't you just come tell me?
Old Spock: Because I had to remind fans what the origin of the term "slash" was.
Spock: ...
Old Spock: And dude, I hear you're getting with Uhura. Maybe this alternate reality isn't so bad after all.
Spock: Can I be first officer again?
Kirk: Sure, as long as I get this chair.
Leonard Nimoy: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life forms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before!
Leonard Nimoy: Damn, I've waited forty years to say that.
I know that was long, but I hope you enjoyed it! There are some scenes left out, but I've only seen the movie once.
Giant Spiky Ship: I'm like the Death Star if it was a sea urchin. Oh yeah, and I carry more weapons than all of Starfleet.
Starship: Ouch, we can't take another hit like that!
Romulan: Tell us the location of Ambassador Spock.
Captain: *Blink* Who?
Romulan: Drat. Well, come aboard our ship anyway; we want to do stuff to you.
Captain: Hmm, I guess I'd better go. Kirk, you're captain now.
Kirk: Me? Oh wow, and my wife's about to give birth to our first child. This could be my best day ever!
Captain: Um, sure. *Goes to Romulan ship, dies*
Kirk: Crap. Shoot them!
Spikeship: Your weapons have no effect on me.
Kirk: All hands, abandon ship!
Mrs. Kirk: *has contractions*
All Hands: *run to escape shuttles*
Kirk: Okay, now time to join my wife and get the hell out of here.
Autopilot: *fails*
Kirk: Must be courageous and sacrifice myself. Plus, opportunity for emotional scene!
Mrs. Kirk: Why's the shuttle moving? Where's my husband? Why does the future not have Lamaze?
Kirk: Why does the future not have ultrasounds to determine the sex of the baby? Also, my dad had a stupid name. *dies*
James T. Kirk: *is born* Waahhhh! (Translation: why is this not Iowa?)
James T. Kirk: I'm such a brat! I steal centuries-old cars and listen to centuries-old music. The Beastie Boys are still rebellious even after they've been dead for 200 years.
Spock: You have no idea how much the Vulcan school system sucks.
Vulcan Bullies: We can't stand that you're more logical than we are. Therefore, we'll insult your father. Doesn't work? Okay, yo' mama so skanky...
Spock: *goes apeshit*
Sarek: I wish I was half the actor Mark Lenard was. Ahem, Spock, you have a diverse heritage. Therefore, you must pick one and despise the other. Also, I never loved your mother.
Amanda: I'm played by Winona Ryder? But I'm unrecognizable! Anyway, I'll always love you, Spock, even if you reject everything I am and half of what you are.
Vulcan Science Academy: We haven't heard of the IDIC philosophy, so we'll just make racist comments.
Spock: Screw you guys, I'm joining Starfleet!
Kirk: I'm so drunk. Ooh, hot chick!
Uhura: Leave me alone. I only date my professors.
Kirk: But I got so much tail in an alternate reality, why not here?
Uhura: I'm way smarter than you.
Starfleet Security guys: *beat the crap out of Kirk*
Kirk: I got to grope Uhura. Totally worth it.
Captain Pike: I had a man-crush on your father. Even wrote a dissertation on him. Why don't you try living in his shadow?
Kirk: *drinks and bleeds*
Trekkies: Wait, how much time just passed?
Kirk: Dad's shadow it is. Sign me up!
McCoy: Hmm, I'm too young to be a crotchety old man, and today's audiences wouldn't know what a country doctor is, so I'll just be a paranoid hypochondriac.
Kirk: I like this guy. He's the only other one not wearing a uniform.
Uhura: *rolls eyes*
McCoy: Why would you retake a test you're supposed to fail?
Kirk: I totally got the cheat codes.
Trekkies: No really, how much time just passed?
Token Green Chick: I love you.
Kirk: Damn, I just wanted sex.
Token Green Chick: My roommate's home, hide!
Uhura: Time to follow the underwear-only policy while at home.
Kirk: Yes!
Uhura: I'm going to say something about the plot, but no one will notice because I'm in my undies.
Professors: This Kirk guy is annoying. Plus, he's getting apple bits all over the fake bridge.
Kirk: Call me captain!
Uhura: If I roll my eyes any harder, they might break.
Kirk: Wait for it...
Kobayashi-Maru: *breaks*
Spock: Kirk hacks!
Kirk: Spock sucks.
Starfleet Academy Administration: Busted! Suspended! Barred from participating in the plot!
Kirk: Wanna bet?
Starfleet Academy: OMG, Vulcan's being attacked, and all we have are cadets and a bunch of empty starships.
Cadets: W00t!
Uhura: Spock, I want to be on the Enterprise.
Spock: But I don't want anyone to know we're sleeping together.
Uhura: People will be more suspicious if you don't put me on the same ship as you.
Spock: *pretends that's logical* Um, okay.
Kirk: *pouts*
McCoy: I can't stand it when you pout. Come on, I'll inject you with weird stuff and put you in terrible pain. You'll thank me, honest!
Kirk: I what? Ow, stop that!
McCoy: Hmm, I thought I was more competent in an alternate reality. I'm sure one of these hyposprays will make it better.
Kirk: Must...advance...plot...despite...McCoy's...incompetence...
Sulu: Japanese, Korean, like any American audience can tell the difference! But you'll thank me for leaving the parking brake on later!
Pike: Can we go yet?
Sulu: Okay, here we go.
Chekov: I make announcements so the captain doesn't have to. And so you can be amused by my accent.
Kirk: WTF?!? I gotta get to the bridge and stop this thing!
Pike: What's he doing here?
Spock: What's he doing here?
Kirk: It's a trap!
Uhura: *Sigh* He's right, it is.
Pike: Well, that sucks. Lock and load.
Trekkies: It's Wolf 359 all over again!
Spikeship: *drills* Oh look, another puny Starfleet vessel.
Nero: Meh, destroy them...wait, it's the Enterprise!
Nero: Sup, guys? Hey Spock, watch me!
Spock: Who are you?
Nero: Hey Chris, why don't you come over to my place? We can watch drifting debris together.
Pike: Nobody calls me by my first name. Who here wants to fight? Kirk, Sulu, Ensign Redshirt, let's go.
Kirk: I always wanted to spacedive!
Sulu: I like to fence.
Ensign Redshirt: ...
Pike: Have fun, guys. I'm off to be tortured!
Kirk, Sulu, and Ensign Redshirt: *aerodynamics fail*
Ensign Redshirt: *dies*
Kirk: My ribcage is made of steel.
Sulu: In the future, swords become even more awesome.
Romulans: *fight, die*
Sulu: Ensign Redshirt had all the explosives. What'll we do?
Kirk: Shoot stuff till it blows up.
Nero: So they destroyed the drill, no big.
Red Bouncy Ball: My turn!
Kirk & Sulu: *falling* Um, the transporter would be awesome right about now.
Transporter tech: Can't you guys hold still a minute?
Chekov: Here I come to save the day!
Kirk & Sulu: Geez, took you long enough. Where are you going, Spock?
Spock: I gotta save Mom & Dad!
Vulcan: *crumbles*
Vulcan Elders: Run for it!
Transporter tech: I'm so slow at this.
Amanda: *falls*
Spock: ... (translation: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)
Sarek: ...
Vulcan: *pop*
Spock: I'm the captain, and my planet just died.
Uhura: Would sex make you feel better? I'll do the kinky stuff...
Spock: Let's all be professional about this...but I will make out with you.
Trekkies: *blink* Whoa.
Kirk: They're headed for Earth? This sucks, let's get revenge!
Spock: Kirk, you suck. Get off my ship. *boots*
Kirk: Why am I on Hoth? Oh hey, here comes a taun taun!
Not a Taun Taun: Ooh, lunch!
Giant Dino/Insect Thingy: Not a Taun Taun is tasty. Ooh, human for dessert!
Kirk: *runs, falls*
Giant Dino/Insect Thingy: *chases, falls*
Old Spock: *rescues* Hey Jim, how goes?
Kirk: Who are you?
Old Spock: I'd recognize that swagger anywhere.
Kirk: ...
Old Spock: Let's mind meld so I can tell the audience the backstory.
Trekkies: That...almost makes sense.
Kirk: Whoa.
Old Spock: You need to get back on the Enterprise...and don't tell anyone about me.
Scotty: o/~ Wasting away again in Margaritaville... your turn, little critter!
Critter: ...
Old Spock: You guys can totally beam out of here.
Scotty: I'll try anything once!
Kirk: How do I get command?
Old Spock: Piss me off. I know you can do it.
Kirk: I majored in pissing people off! At least I think I did. I might have only been at the Academy for a week. It's pretty hazy.
Kirk & Scotty: *beam out*
Kirk: That worked awesome!
Scotty: Glug, glug.
Kirk: Oh shit oh shit oh shit...
Spock: WTF?!?
Scotty: Can I have a towel?
Kirk: I'm back to advance the plot.
Spock: ...
Kirk: I bet I can piss you off by talking about your mom.
Spock: *strangles*
Sarek: Spock, stop it. There's new carpet on the bridge and you'll make a mess.
Spock: True. Guess I can't be captain anymore.
Kirk: Sweet! It's good to be the captain.
Spock: *angst*
Sarek: I lied before. I did love your mother.
Spock: Vengeance isn't logical.
Sarek: Well, maybe just this once.
Kirk: Gotta keep driving that plot forward!
Spock: Okay, Kirk, let's get that bastard!
Kirk: Now you're talking!
Sulu: See, I really do have mad pilot skillz.
Spikeship: *drills through the Golden Gate bridge*
Scotty: Nobody should see you beam aboard.
Romulans: *see Kirk and Spock beam aboard, attack*
Kirk: Yea, more fighting!
Spock: Mind melds are so much more effective than interrogation.
Romulans: *die*
Spock: This is a pretty cool ship. And hey, it even knows me.
Kirk: See? Joyrides are fun!
Spock: Is there something you're not telling me?
Kirk: ...
Spock: If I die, tell Uhura...
Kirk: I don't want to hear the rest of that, so I'll stop you now with overconfident reassurance.
Spock: ...
Nero: Ooh, I get to fight Captain Kirk. How cool is that?
Kirk: My name is James T. Kirk. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Nero: Eh, not yet.
Kirk: Captain Pike, I'm here to rescue you.
Pike: Really? How long has it been? Time passes strangely when you have bugs in your brainstem.
Spock: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!
Red Bouncy Ball: I get to destroy stuff again!
Scotty: See, this is how you run a transporter.
Nero: Curses, foiled again!
Kirk: I'll offer you help only when I know you won't take it, and pretend that's diplomacy.
Nero: $%#@ you and the horse you rode in on!
Kirk: I was hoping you'd say that.
Spikeship: *pop*
Chekov: Uh, guys, we're getting sucked into a black hole now.
Physics: *flies out the nearest window*
Scotty: Well, there's one thing that might work, but if it doesn't, we're dead.
Kirk: What do we have to lose?
Earth: Saved, once again!
Starfleet Academy: Captain Kirk, you have no regard for regulations or the chain of command, but you did save the planet for the first of likely many times, so we're giving you the Enterprise.
Admiral Pike: Check out my new wheels!
Spock: Dad?
Old Spock: Nope, you.
Spock: WTF?!?
Old Spock: I'll do the responsible thing. You go hang out with Kirk.
Spock: So that's how he knew so much. Why didn't you just come tell me?
Old Spock: Because I had to remind fans what the origin of the term "slash" was.
Spock: ...
Old Spock: And dude, I hear you're getting with Uhura. Maybe this alternate reality isn't so bad after all.
Spock: Can I be first officer again?
Kirk: Sure, as long as I get this chair.
Leonard Nimoy: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life forms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before!
Leonard Nimoy: Damn, I've waited forty years to say that.
I know that was long, but I hope you enjoyed it! There are some scenes left out, but I've only seen the movie once.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 04:03 pm (UTC)http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/248869/8_problems_i_have_with_jj_abrams_star_trek.html
Something that this article did remind me of, too. Insta-promotion of Kirk from an ungraduated cadet to captain of one of their newest, cutting edge starships. Lolwut? Spock, even in this continuity, is considered one of Starfleet's best and brightest and, yet, he's "only" a Commander when Kirk shows up at the Academy and is *still* a Commander after the events of the movie. I don't know how long it took Spock to reach Commander, but he was probably in the Academy for a few years. Another few more years to make Commander? Kirk just went from a cadet yet to receive his commission to skipping, in Naval terms, Ensign, Lieutenant Junior Grade, Lieutenant, Lieutenant Commander, Commander to Captain (I'm pretty sure this is the convention Starfleet follows, also).
I don't care what universe you are in, that may be the single, biggest demand of an audience's suspension of disbelief. Reward him with the highest honor Starfleet, the Federation or Earth has to offer. Commission him and promote him a rank or two... max. That part was just ludicrous.
Okie, done, hehe.
-J
no subject
Date: 2009-05-12 09:02 pm (UTC)The insta-promotion of Kirk to command the Enterprise was cheesy
I don't know that the Starfleet's ranks are necessarily modeled after the British Navy. Other than the fact that the British were a huge naval force and have a notable naval tradition, I don't think they had any specific influence. Also, notice that the starships are usually named USS (like in the US Navy) not HMS.
As for Cochrane's example, I think he was actually a lieutenant (and I think your story is off if this is Alexander Cochrane that you're talking about). The example is still a bit off since Starfleet is not the British navy in the 19th century... and Kirk wasn't capturing a hostile ship... And, oh yeah, there's absolutely zero precedence for a non-commissioned cadet skipping ensign, lieutenant junior grade, lieutenant, lieutenant commander, and commander straight to captain in the centuries-long history of Starfleet. No, "There's a first time for everything is not a valid argument."
So, again, I quote you:
The insta-promotion of Kirk to command the Enterprise was cheesy
-J